Merry Christmas

By Johnny Fuery ⋅ December 25, 2006 ⋅  Print This Post ⋅ Post a comment

I feel like a Jewel song today.

I just got back from a run (since my usual crutch, the gym, is closed), and it occurred to me that this is my world.

That this — the decision to use a good friend or a smitten little girl to distract me through a holiday (or not, like this year) — is my state of normalcy. That there is no “way things used to be”, nor hope for a different, better future.

Because no girl will ever treat me well, so it’s not possible to create one (and get adopted by her parents).

Because my own family will never be able to look each other in the eyes.

Because the adopted families I’ve tried to join over the years are just never quite… well, family. Welcoming, open, affectionate, loving… at least to me.

So I’m left with acceptance — acceptance that Christmas is, and ever shall be, a day of test. Today I decide to be happy alone, without even my normal crutches (gym, coffee, work) to fall back on.

Today, with only time-delayed NPR pieces, Smallville reruns, my empty cupboard (damn my just-for-today grocery shopping habits), and the task of cleaning my room to keep me company, I will enjoy my solitude.

Maybe I’ll download some video games and watch a movie.