Injured today

By Johnny Fuery ⋅ February 24, 2006 ⋅  Print This Post ⋅ Post a comment

JJ Stokes (google him if you’re that curious — I did, and yeah, it was definitely him), the guy that used to play for the 49ers, hit me at a full run on the basketball court today. Guess he really wanted the dunk.

I got shoved backwards at full force right into someone’s open mouth. His tooth broke off in my head.

Yes, I’m serious. Ambulance, a needle bigger than the one used to pierce your ears in my ass, and a goddamn chipped tooth stuck in my skull. They removed it in the ER. It was bloody and messy and gnarly. The nurse, James, shot me up three times directly into my scalp, then removed the tooth, only to have the Doc come along and tell me he wasn’t stitching it up because human bites don’t get stitched. Apparently something like 50% of all human bites get infected.

Deep dark secret? I felt pretty sad when the not-so-friendly (even when I flirted with her) registrar asked me who to notify in the event of an emergency. I eventually gave her my cousin’s number, even though I don’t think he’d answer his phone, but there was definitely an awkward moment of silence. “No one? Mom? Girlfriend? Wife?”

Darker secret? There was one person I really wanted to call as I lay there in my hospital bed waiting for the Doc to sign my release forms. I’ll give you one guess who it was… and it definitely wasn’t my mom.

For the record, I didn’t call. And JJ didn’t get that point, either.

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Speaking of [former] pro athletes who can dunk, why the heck is it that everyone is afraid of them? Um, he’s just a man. And if y’all are gonna let him march right down the middle and not guard the cat, OF COURSE he’ll do something impressive.

ooooh, JJ dunked on all four of us. Well, that’s just because I was watching the other four dudes on his team. I’m thinking it’s that much more of a reason to guard him hard, or play him hard offensively.

Um, yeah, I scored on him. Like 15 times. Duh. It’s not so hard when the guy doesn’t play defense until you hit the paint.

No offense to JJ, of course. He was cool. Until he saw me bleeding all over the court. Then he quietly disappeared. I guess he was afraid I might try and sue him or something. No worries, man.

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So, I called my Dad today and left a message begging him to stop fucking with me. “Dude, I capitulate. I don’t know what you want, but if you just tell me what it is, I’ll give it to you. I will give you whatever you want just so you stop fucking with me. Pleaaaase. Just leave me the fuck alone, and I’ll give you money, or friendship, or psychotherapy, or tell you you were a good father, or whatever. I’ll go out to dinner with you once a week, I’ll tell everyone you’re a good person, bleah, bluh-blah-blah-bleah.”

He promptly called back and denied that he had ever done me any wrong. Um, yeah. Never hurt me at all. That’s why I’m replacing the engine in my Acura with 80K miles on it, and have replaced a tire once every two months for the last year, and have gone through 7, yes 7, new headlights. Oh, and never mind the 10K that disappeared from my checking accounts 8 months ago, or the angry, evil messages that fill up my voice mail once every 6 weeks or so telling me and the rest of the world is in cahoots to get him.

Um, if everyone you’ve ever talked to for more than 90 seconds thinks you’re insane, a loser, or just simply downright evil, perhaps it’s not the other 6 billion people on the planet. Ya think? Maybe it’s you.

So, yeah. Now I need to go and spend another 600 grand on a fucking house with a goddamn garage just so my car doesn’t get fucked with. And I need to get a locking gas cap. And I need… oh fuck. It never ends.

I’m sorry, but my mom getting a radiator line damaged twice, 6+ tires replaced, and a new engine (in a Toyota Camry that never goes above 60 miles per hour) within 3 months isn’t random Oakland vandalism. Neither is a three year old Honda engine dying mysteriously 35 miles after I get a angry voice mail demanding that I “stop what [I'm] doing or else”. It’s an obsessive, sociopathic, old, fat, balding white dude.

There is no god. He’s the goddamn proof. Hitler was a better man.